In My Head

I was going to present another illustration with this blog entry, but something thrilling popped up on my Face book news feed during the week, and I had to respond to it. What made me pivot was the social media phenomenon called Face Book memories, I am sure we all know what they are but for the rare person reading this journal entry that doesn’t, let me quickly explain. 

Face book gives you a daily reminder of a post or an event that has occurred over the “life span” of your facebook entries. Sometimes this can be embarrassing or even upsetting seeing people and things that may no longer be in your life, but mostly it is fun to see what you have been up to over the years like a little time capsule of what your where doing exactly 1, 2, 6, 9 years ago. It is a little random but I like this part of facebook, it is fun. 

So this particular social media inspired brain jog, made me realise I have been posting my art works for well over a year now, and it has been exactly 12 months since I claimed my inner artist and showed my true creativity to the open world. 

Below is the illustration and post that has inspired this journal entry

Words that have silenced me – water colour felt pen on paper – 2021

“A new Painting yay!! So Im being brave this week and showing you a side of me Im a little scared to reveal (some of you already know my negative side). But to those whom think I am nothing but sunshine smiles and champagne. Welcome to Allisons dark side. There is more to come. However I will try and end the week on a positive note but strap your selves in we are going heading to the dark side. Xoxo “

This post was uploaded before I really started using and communicating through instagram as my artistic journal. I was initially posting all my past works on face book and giving a description of what I was doing and thinking at the time of the works creation. I did this mainly to show people, family and friends what I have been doing over the years, but the main motivator was that I was getting a little frustrated with tripping over all this work I had created, and no one had ever really seen it. 

So I started to post my entire back catalogue, which was surprisingly fun and for the most part I got a really positive reaction. However there were a few people that actually said they were “sick of all my art posts and just scroll past them.” This was a shocking comment at the time, as that person was supposed to be a “good friend”, but that was her right to feel like that and I didn’t let it stop me and I kept on posting. 

Once I had finished with all my back catalogue I started posting my current art work, and as we were in the midst of our 2nd year of COVID lock down, this work had been based entirely introspectively, looking at what I was feeling at the time, and my responses to the outside world. Basically I was letting everyone know what I was thinking through illustration, which personally I thought was brave of me because I had never done this ever before, creatively or even verbally. As a “people pleaser” I had only ever shown most people the “light side” of my personality, the one that was non confrontational and “safe”. 

Now if you read the original post I put with this illustration I did warn people that – “to those whom think I am nothing but sunshine smiles and champagne. Welcome to Allisons dark side. There is more to come.” – So basically I was warning everyone what was going to happen. However the reaction I have gotten can be high lighted on a graded scale from kindness to anger. This was most intriguing for me, as after all, they were just drawings that I assumed no one was really going to looking at. 

So for people not really paying attention and “just scrolling by” I guess these new drawings they were seeing could be considered a little confronting, as they saw a side of me that was new and they did not particularly like. I am not sure why that would be as I am not going to psychoanalyse those individuals, but maybe my pictures communicated something relatable in them that they were not ready to explore yet. The responses weren’t all negative some beautiful people where kind and reached out enquiring after my health and wellness which was lovely. It has been so beautiful to see my true community, making me realise that safety can be in places and people completely unexpected and unseen.  

I was chatting with my mother about all this and she suggested “Why don’t you draw happy things from now on.” This made me smile as this is a typical mum response, but to be honest landscapes and drawing pretty still life is incredibly hard to do. Not only from a technical stand point, but also right now I am finding it hard to gloss over this part of me and if I did I would be faking it and it would show in my work. 

I was also chatting to another artist friend and work colleague about the reactions I have been receiving over the last 12 months and this amazing woman was a little surprised at the negativity as she saw the posts and my work as a positive exploration of my mind and found them relatable and inspiring. She simply replied “Maybe they are just not your people.” With this I think she could be right.

In a nut shell what I am trying to do here is celebrate my 12 month anniversary of officially “coming out” as an artist and I just wanted to say that I am completely fine. Infact I have never been more at ease and happy with myself and my work than ever. I have stopped pretending and have uncovered a part of myself I had buried for many years. I am proud of this and want to show the whole world that I am no longer hiding in the wilderness, I am home and present. Thank you to everyone who may be concerned about me, but please know I am working through everything that life throws at us, it is not a dramatic plunge into the depths of despair, it is just who I am, and nothing more. And to the people that find themselves confronted with the “new Allison” please know this is not new at all and hopefully you will find peace with this one day.  

Lastly let me share with you some song lyrics I thought perfect for this topic.

“Happy Song” Delaney Jane – Dirty Pretty Things

Fuck

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Alexander Healey / Delaney Jane / Morgan Francois Parriot / Shaun Frank

Happy Song lyrics © Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd.